Searching for Home

I've been house hunting for months and with the arrival of Fall I feel my hopes and dreams dissipate. The reality that I will probably remain in this house another Winter brings a feeling of disappointment that is hard to explain.

Once I decided that I would in fact leave my house. I shut down my nesting feeling and tried not to pour my heart into this house so I would be open to love another. Only someone who spends most of their life inside their house would understand this... If you leave your house for ten hours a day, you probably don't get this. If you spend 20 hours a day in one space, you have to love it, or you'll be miserable. Right now, I am miserable.

I want to paint, I want to redo my wallpaper, I want new lamps. I want to call the landscaper... I want to fix my house... but if I fix my house, I will never leave. I know I won't. So I am living in a house that is in disrepair and every day that passes without finding a new house makes me feel more depressed. This is no way to live. This is like putting your life on hold.

You know the old saying, "life is what happens while you are making plans????" My life is going on in this house while I search and search for my next one. I am living in a mess of a house until my house shows up. That just makes no sense to me, and it breaks my spirit.

I have a house to live in but I have no home. I feel that I am in fact "Home"-less.. and Winter will be here soon, and suddenly I feel like I can't breathe.

A house is just a house until you put your heart into it and make it a Home. I have my heart in my hand and I need a place to put it. Who knew my little love shack was so hard to measure up to? I did... maybe that's why I've never tried to move before.

Life Is Too Short For This Much Stress

Ever have so much stress you think you're having a heart attack? Ever live in such stress that you don't realize it really is stress???

Early on when GP was a little boy and he was diagnosed with Autism I lived in such a state. It was a time of terrible, terrible stress. It was living and breathing autism, coping with the tantrums, staying up late finding out what the heck this Autism was doing and would do to him. It was the way my life and my son's future had been snatched from right under us and I refused to just "take it". It was a HARD fight for many years of "silence" and fighting to change opinions from "He'll never do XXXX" to "Wow, that's great progress".

The thing is, when you live in that state of stress, your brain shuts it off. You just move from one task to the next and you literally forget you are stressed out. You're cranky, you're tired, you're sad...but you have more important things to worry about than yourself, so you move on.

Then, one day, you have this pain. This pain that won't quit, and you self medicate, and it goes away...but then it comes back; with a vengeance. The more you ignore it, the more severe it becomes until one day your mind CLICKS and tells you, "Oh, sh**! I think I'm having a heart attack!" And you're not even forty! How the hell does that happen??? Easy, it's called STRESS!

I went to the emergency room a few times (better safe than dead is what I say), and each time was told "You have to take it easy. You have too much stress" I swear, when a stranger who knew nothing, nothing about me or my life other than I was a "female presenting with chest and back pain who has difficulty moving her right arm" told me I had too much stress I KNEW it was bad.... the last guy sent me home without even a prescription. He said take tylenol, aspirin and REST. He obviously did not know I had a five year old autistic child who could not speak, was not potty trained and was screeching all the time. Easy for him to say!

Anyway, I started to pay attention to my body and what it was saying because the only thing worse than a stressed out mom is a dead one so I bought Tylenol in the Family size and when my body said stop, I would pretend I did not notice my house was falling apart, my son was screeching and would take to the road. GP would nap, and I would "breathe"... and so I survived. It wasn't the day at the spa the MD suggested but it was the best I could do with what I had. =)

Last night my body told me again that I needed to breathe. With craziness at home, homeschooling now in progress and a day of nothing but stress, my right arm started hurting early in the morning, I ignored it and by midnight my chest and back were in a vice. It had been so long since my body reminded me that stress is no joke. I found myself climbing up to bed and reminding myself that rest is not "optional", and praying that I would sleep and recover.

Today my body aches and I am recovering, but well aware that "I have been warned".

I hope that if your body is telling you to BREATHE, you heed the signs and quit while you're ahead. Trying to keep up with your life is important but of you're dead, does it really matter??? Probably not. Today I will ignore the laundry, and will not dress the bed. I will homeschool my son, fill some orders, go to the PO and.... oh yeah, that's my stress free list. You should see the other one. LOL! Take it easy today.

I'm Setting The Record Straight!

I am not a "real" quilter. Most of you already know that, but some of you are a little confused so I thought I'd put that out there. My quilting days can be traced back to just a few short years ago when my handy-dandy Singer sewing machine died. I had a sewing machine not for crafting purposes but for utilitarian purposes. I had a sewing machine to hem pants and I am not kidding when I say that that was it's one and only use. When it died I bought a Bernina. Whatever you do, if you need a sewing machine, do not take a quilter with you to buy a replacement, you'll come home with a machine that has more featues than your car... and more decorative stitches than you will ever need... I am so not kidding.

Anyway, I felt that to justify my expense (oh, did I mention it cost as much as a car payment, or two? Oh yeah, a "real" sewing machine's price starts at triple digits and only goes up from there. It's insane! ), I should learn how to do something more than hems and whala! A quilter was born; ok so maybe not a "real" quilter, but a quilter non the less.

I always think of "real" quilters as people who make large quilts with fancy techniques, or miniature quilts with a gazillion tiny little stitches. Yeah, that's never gonna happen. I will never make either one of those qualifying quilts.

Here's something I have learned, real quilter's have sewing machines that have first and last names. I am so not kidding. Their machines have names like "Bernina 'something or another'. If you ask someone what kind of sewing machine they have and it doesn't have a last name, they are not "real" quilters. Oh stop it, if you are a real quilter you KNOW this is true. Stop pretending you have no idea what I'm talking about, you so do know the make and model of your machine. You probably know mine's!

Quilters and their machines are like men and their cars. It's crazy! OMG! They pimp them up too... I started pimping mine recently so I might be turning into a more dedicated quilter myself. See the fancy little lamp I have on mine? Oh and I have a vice pincushion on it too... I'm thinking I might bedazzle it soon. What do you think, TOO much? =/

I'm so bad. I will never be a real quilter. I accept that. I can live with it, but I thought I'd put it out there so other folks can see that you don't have to be a REAL quilter to have quilting fun. Quilting is a great crafting activity. Give it a try...you'll love it!

What Do YOU want To Do Before You Die?

My friend Linda Lum DeBono posted a great link on her FB wall this morning and I just couldn't stop thinking about it. It's not that I haven't thought about dying, I think about it all the time (that's a whole different story), or that I don't have a Bucket List (now really, who doesn't?), because I most certainly do. It's just that it caught me off guard and as soon as I read the question I knew what I wanted to do most of all... and although my Bucket List is a mile long, the answer to the question wasn't on the BL. HMMM. Kind of makes you wonder if you really need the list at all.

Now I won't tell you mine because I don't want to distract you with what I want to do, and I would suggest not reading anyone else's answer until you have posted your own, but tell me, what came to mind when you read the question? The first thought...not the rationalized, life plan answer... the very first thing you thought of. Did it surprise you?

Wow, who knew Sunday Mornings could be so full of soul searching? Absolutely amazing! Thanks Linda for sharing your great find.

You can read all about the Before I Die Project HERE!

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

Are you lovin' my sweet Nellie? I think she's the bomb. If you're not a primitive lover, you probably won't understand the love of primitive portraits. The little kids with the small bodies, thick necks and big heads are not for everyone but I tell you, I have a soft spot for these cuties For the longest time I have wanted to add one to my home but as you probably know by now, my house is tiny (and yes, I do mean that literally). When you have such a little house you have to be very picky with what you put in it, lest you end up on one of next season's episodes of Hoarders. I had looked and looked and had not found one that I loved so it was put on my home's "wish list". Then, in late Winter Cynthia Ereksen posted a Saturday workshop for a "Primitive Portrait" and sight unseen, I signed up.
I've never been disappointed in any of the pieces I have painted with Cynthia and this one was no exception. As soon as I saw her I knew it was just meant to be. Notice she is learning to stitch... coincidence? Nah. Destiny! She was meant for me to paint and was well worth the wait.Isn't she the cutest thing ever? Look at that sweet little face, and her fancy little dress. Oh, I just love her. Now I just have to find her a spot in my tiny little love shack; I know there's bound to be a spot for her... I just have to find it, LOL!

Hope you're month is on a roll too. Is it really the ninth already? Wow! Time does fly when you're having fun...

Collecting Inspiration

I started collecting patterns way before I could sew. I also collected fabrics as a child might collect toys. They were not there to use, they were there to inspire. Patterns tell me that I can change what I have into what I want, and that is a good thing.

My collection of patterns is extensive. I have painting patterns, punch needle patterns, quilting patterns, rug hooking patterns, and the list goes on and on. Oh, I might note that I have tried my hand at all of these, at one time or another. I am an equal opportunity crafter. A good pattern is enough to bring me to purchase all the supplies needed for a project and even sign up for a class to learn how it's done. I have learned a lot about myself over the years from my patterns too. Going through them I have seen how my own sense of "style" (for lack of a better word) has evolved. I have gone from the tan goose on blue (don't even pretend you didn't have these in your house!) to a more eclectic mix that makes sense only to me, and that's OK because it's my house and I live here...surrounded by things that make my heart happy.

No longer strapped to rules or guidelines, I choose to use my quilting patterns to paint, my painting patterns to punch, and so on. A pattern is just a starting point, it's inspiration. I buy patterns for everything, not because I can't "figure it out" but because I don't want to "figure it out". I don't want to deconstruct that beautiful quilt. I want to look at it and think of where I can put it. Someone has already gone through the trouble of deconstructing it for me, making it and picturing it so that when I see it I stop, catch my breath and think, "I WANT that!". If I hadn't seen the quilt or pattern I would not have been inspired. Does that make sense to you? Do you follow me here? I might look at a pattern and find the next wall paint for my living room, my next wall hanging, my next painting. Regardless of what makes me stop and stare, I know that pattern was the root of my inspiration... so I buy it and save it, never ever giving myself a guilt trip for not making it (and truth be told, when I purge my patterns I might even be happy that I didn't make anything from that pattern. "What was I thinking?!", LOL!)

Today I read a blog post and the blogger stated that she never purchased patterns. She liked "designing" her own (based exactly on a published pattern). It made me stop and think of my own personal pattern collection and how I wish some of my favorite designers would never retire because their work inspires me. I hope that if you collect inspiration as I do, you would remember that those folks who design those patterns need to pay their mortgages and if they can't pay their bills, they can't spend all that time designing your inspiration. I don't know about you, but I need to be inspired, so I will continue to buy patterns and collect inspiration wherever I should find it. I don't "design" other people's work. I buy patterns and collect inspiration.

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

I was having such a bad March. I really was. It wasn't one thing, it was a SERIES of things. Ever have one of those months when you just can't see an end to your crisis? It is so overwhelming that you just want to stay in bed and pretend you're not home... as if GP and Pepperdog would not park themselves at my side and wonder when it's time for Dinner, but that's besides the point; if I didn't have people and/or pets at my bedside staring me down and/or barking at me for food, I could have done just that, pretend I wasn't home. It was soooo bad. And I am sooo not kidding. But cope I had to, and and cope I did; with a little help from my new best friend Pixie.

Oh yes I did. I went out and gifted myself a Pixie. If you are an Espresso fan you KNOW what this is, and if you are not an espresso person, then you just wouldn't understand.

This is not a coffeemaker, it is an espresso maker. And if you can't get out of bed, can't face the world, can't even bring yourself to get out of your jammies... a triple shot should do nicely. Oh yeah, add a little milk to lighten it up if you must. I tell you, this little baby goes the distance, and with Mother's Day coming up, I thought I'd let you all know that this is the gift that keeps on giving. Put it at the top of your list; you can thank me after you first triple shot.

Oh, I have no affiliation, no perks, nor have I received any form of compensation for this little blurb... I really do love my Pixie (pictured at home with all my "add ons"), and hey, if you're gonna go there, might as well get the frother, I mean really.

My bathroom leaked, the ceiling was ripped out, the roof (remember I just had the roof put in last Spring???) had to be sawed off and a new one put in, the inside gutted and rebuilt, and I had to move out of my house for a week, then when I came back the construction dust was so thick it seemed unsafe to even breathe. Now in recovery, my home is slowly coming back to inhabitable standards and I can face the challenge of working at it, a little at a time, thanks to Pixie. She is definitely the gift that keeps on giving. Gotta love that! =)

A Day at JB Woods

JB Woods is a company that makes one of my favorite things in the world, unfinished wood painting surfaces. Oh, I could hear my heart thumping as I walked the isles of their warehouse and thought of all the hours I could spend in painting bliss if someone would just lock me up there with some paint (and jelly belly beans). Oh, the treasures in the making that they had on their shelves...

Ahhh, I was in heaven. And, I was in good company, as you can see.I spent the day painting with Cynthia Erekson and a group of ladies who shared my love for her work. We painted her Lazy Lamb Farm design on a Workbench Widget Box. My box is still a work in progress (just call me Chatty Brenda, OK?), but you can see how cool it's going to look in the pic above. Cynthia is holding her sample, the pic doesn't do it justice. It was amazing.

Here is what I have done so far:and here is a close up of my little guy fishing. The coolest thing about painting with Cynthia is that her designs are fast, fun and easy. All her patterns have a story and this one was that the little man was fixing the fence (see the toolbox and all the broken fence parts in the scene???) but he was taking a break and decided he was going to spend it fishing. I never think of a painting as being a story but when I paint with her she always has one and I think that's part of what makes her work so wonderful. It's storytelling at its finest.

I'll post a pic of the box as soon as it's done. Hopefully later today.

Gotta finish it before it becomes an UFO or worse, I lose one of the parts... not that THAT's ever happened to me, LOL!

Hope your weekend is full of fun too.

Retail Therapy

We all have those moments. We can either, eat, smoke, drink or shop.

I'm too fat to eat, it was too hard to quilt smoking to start up again, I'm too upset to drink, so I went shopping! Yeah, I have those days... and if nothing else works, I put on the snow boots and trek on over to the Burlington Mall for some Retail Therapy.

Yesterday I got new glasses, new Sunglasses, and an estimate on my bathroom remodel. Not only am I blind as a bat but my arm and leg will belong to the contractor effective immediately.

The snow has turned to ice and the ice is hanging over my brand new gutters and it's looking like they might not make it, the bathroom window sprung a leak, the light on my car says "oil change" and my son's trainer took the day off so I drove all the way to the Health Club to bicker with GP who is telling me, "You are not my trainer!" as if I didn't know! I slipped on the ice and fell on my *** in front of my house, and I thought, "That's it! Stick a fork in me, I'm done!" so, I

decided I'd get a jump on Spring and buy some lovelies for myself, some chocolates for grandpa and call it a day. I almost forgot what a crappy week I'm having until I turned on the TV and realized my Direct TV is still not working (Ice on the roof)... but I'm going to finish packing some orders and think of Spring. It's HAS to come soon, I don't know how much more of this I can take! Hope your day was better than mine. May your cable be working, your bathroom not leak, your car light stay off, and your butt stay dry this week, LOL!

Hang in there and remember, if nothing else works, there's always Retail Therapy!

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

If you have never suffered the Winter Blues or been clinically depressed you just would not understand how hard this is to believe sometimes. When the days turn into weeks and you have not seen the sun's bright shiny light you start to feel helpless and hopeless. Every single little problem gets blown up and seems insurmountable. Really. It's hard to explain and even harder to think that a rational person who otherwise seems perfectly happy and content, would feel absolute despair because of the weather, but it's true. It's called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and although it can be treated (Change all your light bulbs, buy a sunlamp!), it cannot be cured.

I read a story yesterday about a young girl who committed suicide and no one knows why. "She seemed happy, she was a happy girl" ,stuck with me all day and I thought of her and how no one will ever know what happened, and how every Winter for as long as I can remember I think and have to consciously remind myself that "The sun will come out tomorrow"... and how God knows when you have had enough and if only you hang in there, just one more day, just one more dawn...it does. My heart breaks for those parents and for that girl who was too young to know you just have to hang in there ... the sun WILL come out, and you WILL survive this (whatever this is!)

Today it's sunny in NH, the calm before the storm. If you are feeling tired and blue, sit outside in the sun for a little while. I will be stepping out into the cold to recharge my soul with hope and will count my blessings that someone told me, a long time ago, that "the sun will come out tomorrow", and it was true. I look out my window and it's there, proof that there is a God and he knows when I've had enough. I feel blessed. =)

Hope your day is filled with sunshine, but if it's not, remember... the sun will come out tomorrow.

Birds of a Feather

We flock together!
Last night I met my friend Lynn at Gibbit Hill for our post holiday dinner. With the craziness of the holidays we decided we'd get together after things had settled down and we could enjoy each other's company without having to rush because we had something to do.
Lynn and I met online, blogging. She paints and loves primitives, and although we live in different states we're only an hour's drive from each other. You gotta love that.
I'm working on my commitments folks, making time for myself, check!
Hope your weekend is going well and that you too are making time to celebrate your life. Have fun!

Time to Pay the Piper!

According to freedictionary.com this means:

to accept the unpleasant results of something you have done, pay the price.

According to me it simply means: OWN IT!

Yep, I went to TX where my Mom waited for me frying pan in hand and pork in the oven... If you've ever had Puertorrican food you know exactly what I'm talking about and you are just grinning. If you have never had Puertorrican food, well, I don't know why on earth you would be fat, LOL! Yeah, it's bad for you. HAHAHA.

After only one week in TX, and shortly before Christmas my subconscious was already screaming and saying, "STOP! STOP!" but my Mom continued to pull out favorites from her recipe bank and well, you know what they say, "You don't eat this every day..." Or is it just my Mom that says that? HMMM. I hope not, LOL! Well, let's just say that when I had the first nightmare, that I had gained TEN pounds, I started to think maybe it was time to start eating out. You know it's bad when Wendy's is the low cal option... but being the good daughter that I am, I ate all of my Mom's food, and then some of my Sister's Lasagna, (are you seeing a pattern here? Do I have a crappy support system or what? LOL!) and pretended I was not being BAD, really BAD!

As soon as I got home, knowing that the day of atonement was fast approaching (Ahem, can you say personal trainer?), I dusted off the Nutrasystem boxes and and thawed out the frozen veggies, I hooked up the H2O I.V. and prayed for a miracle.

God, knowing I am good, granted me a reprieve and just five days after arriving home I am happy to report that I held steady. Weight loss zero, weight gain ZERO! Hello! (No, I am not telling her how I paid the piper, I did my time and I am now back on track. Hooray!

Have you paid the piper yet?

Resolutions

I love New Year's day. I feel as if I have been given a new opportunity to set my life back on the path that I strayed from somewhere along the way. I find myself cutting myself some slack, giving myself a break so to speak. And once again trying to commit to doing right, by and to myself.I have to admit that every year I make a list of things I want to accomplish. Not unlike half the people in the USA, I too make Resolutions. A resolutions is no different from a commitment but we don't call it a commitment because then it would imply that we MUST accomplish this goal and not that we "intend" on accomplishing this goal. A Resolution is an intent, a Commitment is a commitment, no way around it. Intend and commit?

Not the same thing.

So this year I will not resolve but I will Commit to doing right by Me, and for Me. I will Commit to cutting myself some slack, I will commit to being a Mom AND a woman, I will commit to setting aside time for Myself, regardless of the chaos in my life. I will commit to starting my journey back to Myself. I will commit to help myself as much as I help others.

There, I said it. I wrote it, I own it! For some reason I am thinking that Resolving to lose 100 pounds sounded easier than my short list but hey, this year I'm going all out. At 45 it's time to step it up and Go Big.

Now if I could only find my Big Girl undies I might feel more confident... wish me luck and tell me what you are ready to commit to. Happy New Year!

A Springtime Gift

A Funny thing happened on the way to work today....
I was on my way to turn on the iPod and saw the sun was rising. I get the creepiest feeling when I see the daylight. I feel rushed, like, "OMG! It's dawn already!" and then I try to ignore the fact, and get on with my work before it's time to shut down for homeschool.
Well, this morning I was cutting wool and all of a sudden I realized I was working in silence. I knew I was missing something (Yeah, besides that second Red Bull...which totally explains why it was soooo quiet), it was my "story"... audiobooks, gotta love those! So, I go turn it on and I find myself staring out the window (I really did need that second RB!) and WHAM! All of a sudden it hits me, there's a flower on my tree!
I look closer, OMG! It really is a flower....
I rush to get my camera and the battery is dead; so I wait. Once the green light is on (about an hour later, duh!); I can finally document it, LOOK!

This is a true gift. I can't remember the last time I saw this tree bloom, and if you have never planted a twig and hoped for a tree..well, you just wouldn't understand!

And THEN, I decided to look around and there were more gifts in the flowerbed. Tulips, and Grape Hyacinths, and Lamb's Ears... and then I had to come inside and show you... Oh, I think it's going to be a good day at the Pumpkin Patch... even if we have to work, and study hard for the rest of the day, LOL!

I hope your day is filled with Springtime gifts too!B=)

I Heart Taylor Swift's Love Story!

OK, so I found this track on Playlist and I am hooked.

Taylor Swift's Love Story Remix
(right click to open in new tab so you can sing along, LOL!)Warning!
If you are not a Pet Shop Boys fan you might not get this beat...
but if you're a Closet Disco Dancing Queen...you'll be rocking!
Woo-HOO! Have fun!
Oh, it's on my playlist and here are the lyrics so you can sing along...oh, stop it!
You know you want to! (or you will if you're a CDDQ!)

Love Story lyrics
Songwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air

See the lights
See the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did I know

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while

'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

But I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you is fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring, and said,

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

Romeo save me
don't try to tell me how to feel
this love is difficult but it is real
don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby just say yes