Sunday, October 2, 2011

Searching for Home

I've been house hunting for months and with the arrival of Fall I feel my hopes and dreams dissipate. The reality that I will probably remain in this house another Winter brings a feeling of disappointment that is hard to explain.
Once I decided that I would in fact leave my house. I shut down my nesting feeling and tried not to pour my heart into this house so I would be open to love another. Only someone who spends most of their life inside their house would understand this... If you leave your house for ten hours a day, you probably don't get this. If you spend 20 hours a day in one space, you have to love it, or you'll be miserable. Right now, I am miserable.
I want to paint, I want to redo my wallpaper, I want new lamps. I want to call the landscaper... I want to fix my house... but if I fix my house, I will never leave. I know I won't. So I am living in a house that is in disrepair and every day that passes without finding a new house makes me feel more depressed. This is no way to live. This is like putting your life on hold.
You know the old saying, "life is what happens while you are making plans????" My life is going on in this house while I search and search for my next one. I am living in a mess of a house until my house shows up. That just makes no sense to me, and it breaks my spirit.
I have a house to live in but I have no home. I feel that I am in fact "Home"-less.. and Winter will be here soon, and suddenly I feel like I can't breathe.
A house is just a house until you put your heart into it and make it a Home. I have my heart in my hand and I need a place to put it. Who knew my little love shack was so hard to measure up to? I did... maybe that's why I've never tried to move before.