Friday, October 13, 2017

It's His Birthday and I'll Cry if I Want to

Today is GP's 22nd birthday.
On this day, Friday the 13th of October, twenty-two years ago, I became a parent. It seems like a lifetime ago. Oh, how many tears I have shed since then. 
I try to remind myself of how far he has come, and how hard he has worked, but I still want so much more for him. I don't know if I will ever be sure that I have done enough. I don't know if I will ever believe that he knows how hard I have tried to be the best Mom I can be... but I am still doing the best I can, with what I have, and I hope that in the end he will know how much I have loved him and how hard I tried to help him navigate the storm waters that come with life.

Being a parent is the hardest job I have ever had. I don't know why I was chosen to walk this path. I don't know why my handsome boy was chosen to be the one child out of a hundred and twenty five children to be diagnosed with autism so many years ago. But I do know that I am still angry, and I am still bitter that we were chosen. It took me a long time to admit that, but I now stand in my truth and make no apologies for it. I alone walk in my shoes, it is my truth and I own it.

I wish I could say life has gotten easier, I wish I could say that "I've got this", But I can't. I still have days when I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Days when I "guess" what is wrong and then "guess" how I can fix it. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes I don't, but every time I have one of "those" days I am emotionally drained and at the edge of giving up. It's been twenty two years of parenting and at least twenty of trying to solve the puzzle that came with  job.

GP is very excited about his special day. No cake or party as those are "for children" but a day off to do as he wishes, go where he wants and spend his time (and mine) as he pleases. Oh how time changes and so much stays the same. I am happy that he is so happy that he is getting older and he is now an "adult". I am terrified, for basically the same reason.

Happy Birthday, my love. I hope someday you will know how much I love you.